Dear Ex-Lover

Dear ex lover,

I promise I'll stop chasing your memory in my dreams.
I'll stop bringing your name up over cups of coffee. muffins, and loneliness.
I will marry a man, and I will lay my heart on his chest,
like red roses on mahogany caskets.
And I'll have his daughter.
And she'll have eyes reminding me that God still believes in second chances.
And if she ever decided to date a woman,
I will love bravery down her spine.
I will be reminded of all the times where we loved like there were expiration dates tattooed on our inner thighs.
If she ever comes home with eyelids like cracking levies, bruised kneecaps, and a heart full of question marks,
I will hold her like my mother never held me.
I will clasp her face in my palms like the New Testament on judgement day.
I'll tell her that love is the passion that allows you to do the right thing.
And no woman can play coaster to half-empty heart.
And if she ever feels as if she's alone,
As if she is not a hand-me-down fabric pulled out of the depths of mommy's closet,
I'll remember your name and I'll mumble it under my breath.
And when she asks me what did I say,
I'll tell her that I know what it's like to drag a woman out of a cold war,
And then being too worn to clean up the battle field that it has made of you.
I'll tell her that your heart sounds like gun shows tripping over battered cement.
I'll tell her I know what it's like just to want somebody to remember you.
And that some women are as foul as expired men in produce aisles.
And that apologies are like oxygen masks on hijack planes.

Forgive yourself before you ever forgive the person that's sitting next to you.
I'll tell her to never regret loving in permanent ink.
And that scars only give your stretch marks something to gossip about.
And that hearts and stop signs are fraternal twins,
Lost in open roads and hollow chests.
If my daughter's mirror is ever unfamiliar and she is too embarrassed and prideful to run into mommy's arms,
I'll pray that she has friends with hearts filled with thousands of fireflies.
Who are not too cool to pray with her.
Who will tell her to stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and find God in the darkness.
If my daughter ever walks in my house like shattering class,
I'll tell her about you.
I'll tell her that we hurt like C-Sections birthing dead babies.
And that we cried together.
And that we prayed together.
And that we laughed like our smiles were the only ones that mattered in this world.
And that we hurt,
Like women who loved women,
Who loved people that did not love us.

Dear Ex Lover,

I hope my daughter never knows what a goodbye kiss feels like.
I hope she never knows what "I'll see you later" really means.
I hope she never memorizes the dial tone of a last conversation.
Because a broken heart feels like poisoned butterflies taking their last flutters in the pit of your stomach.

Dear Ex Lover,

I hope my daughter never bears her soul at a poetry showcase,
With her first love sitting in the audience-
Knowing the same hands she'll use to applaud her with,
Will be the same hands that will never hold her again.

https://youtu.be/tpVLLq7KQyE